When you’ve shut down your Facebook account but you’re still thinking of quips, what are you supposed to do with them? Do you just, like, walk around starting conversations with people via non-sequitur? For now, I’ll put a few here.
The thing I appreciate about a duck is the way it quacks unmelodiously as it flies, like it’s freaked out to find itself up there. I feel like that’s what I’d do, too, if faced with the challenge of flapping my wings fast enough to remain aloft.
A round, breathless woman with poofy hair dragged her Segway onto the city bus, declaring to no one in particular that “It’s too windy for riding!”
To get the full effect, you really have to imagine what the preceding 20 minutes in her life looked like.
On my phone, a message sometimes pops up labeling an incoming caller as “Nuisance Likely.” I’ve taken it upon myself to imagine this message popping up in real life, too, every time I see a too-polite stranger in a suit approaching me.
The fact that a “deviled” egg is just a regular egg whose insides have been mixed with mayo suggests, to me, that exorcism is mostly a matter of mayonnaise removal.