Even if you meet an older couple named Mary and Joe, the odds of them being the biblical one are pretty slim. Still, just in case, it’s worth asking if an ox attended the birth of her firstborn.
They call me the cat whisperer. As long as I whisper the thing the cat was about to do anyway, it always works.
Think this refrigerator might be on its way out, so don’t be surprised if I show up on your doorstep with raw chicken.
I’m not saying your life isn’t pretty good already, but imagine how much better it’d be if you had lots of photos of you inconveniencing famous people.
I don’t meditate-meditate, but I do stop what I’m doing every few minutes to think about sandwiches.
Wow, you really have your life together. I can tell because you’re wearing sunglasses.
About halfway into your selfie album, I stop imagining you as you appear in the photos and start imagining you holding a big, dumb device in front of your head all the time.
Two roads diverged in a wood, so I waited there awhile to see which way the chatty people would go. And then I chose the other one.
I’m developing an app called Timber that will make it easier to find out which people standing near you are about to fall over.
In honor of Arbor Day, I’m digging up all the neighbors’ flowers and planting acorns.
I’m whatever personality type doesn’t take online quizzes. And I didn’t even need an online quiz to tell me that.
Sound advice, I’m sure, but this never putting all my eggs in one basket really complicates grocery shopping. I’m constantly depositing eggs in different carts and trusting strangers to meet me at checkout.
A keyboard that self-destructs as soon as it notices you’re using it to type ‘baby bump.’
Too late, emoji. I’ve already adapted to tilting my head 90 degrees whenever I make facial expressions in real life.
On rainy days, I make lots of inside jokes.
Still in that awkward phase between birth and having a sandwich named in my honor.
Did you know you can still buy animal crackers even if you don’t have kids? They don’t card or anything.
I don’t have any immediate plans to become a drug kingpin, but I did just order a TracFone. So we’ll see.
When meeting a stranger, my 15-month-old niece and I have comparable verbal skills. But for some reason it’s cute when she just keeps saying “hi” over and over and weird when I do it.
In lieu of developing regular adult beard-trimming skills, I pretty much just alternate between looking homeless and 14.
Not to brag on my own outdoorsiness, but I can usually tell if it’s poison ivy within a day or so of pulling it all out by hand without checking first.
On Thanksgiving, I was joined on my morning walk by 20 wild turkeys from the nearby creek. Friday and Saturday mornings, none. I tried to warn them, guys.
There’s an ingredients list on the label of the sack of sweet potatoes I bought that reads “Ingredients: Sweet potatoes.” I could have figured.
I’m glad the ability to do cartwheels isn’t as important in adult life as I once assumed it would be.
You can try to explain it to me if you’d like, but I don’t believe I’ll ever understand why every can of evaporated milk isn’t just empty.
Remember that the only reliable way to see how prepared your grandma is for a reindeer attack is to stage one.
Some of you might be too young to remember this, but before smartphones we were all stopping in the middle of sidewalks to pull out Post-it pads and draw stick-figure selfies of ourselves all the time.
I want to do one of those family photo Christmas cards that’s just a collage of me casually walking through the background of other people’s family photos.
So far, the plastic bag ban has made me quite a bit better at juggling.
No offense, but you wear too many different outfits to be a good cartoon character.
The city’s neighborhood leaf pickup begins tomorrow. That’s where we take all the perfectly good mulch, chase it out to the street with gas-powered blowers, and wait for big trucks to come around and dispose of it. Then we go out and buy mulch. Makes sense.
Count your chickens whenever you’d like. They’re your chickens.
As used by diner waitresses, the word “honey” is an artificial sweetener.
Spend most of my life lying in wait for those few precious moments between when people begin looking for a light switch and when they manage to find it. If you say “it’s on a Clapper” all casual-like, you can usually get them to clap their hands together a few times like they’re nuts.
Money-saving tip: If a neighbor came to your door wanting a roll of toilet tissue, you’d probably give it to him, right? Kind of a weird request, but not an unreasonably large one. You might figure it was an emergency. Well, if YOU went to 12 doors on your street, you’d have a whole package of toilet tissue, for free. And you’d have met some neighbors, each of whom would have an interesting story to tell someone later. And you’d have bonded over the fact that everyone goes to the bathroom. #bethechange
To give you a sense of how busy I tend to be, one time I had two things planned and thought “I’d better buy a datebook to keep track of all this!”
I’ve used the car horn so seldom that, upon pushing it, I think I’d be so surprised by its sound that I would immediately go careening off the road.
I try to style my hair in a manner that suggests bald people aren’t missing out on anything.
Found beetle in medicine cabinet near toothbrush. Swore off brushing teeth for at least the next six weeks.
One house in neighborhood is flying a flag that reads “Don’t Tread on Me.” I honored the flag’s wish only because climbing the flagpole to defy it seemed like too much trouble.
Marking arrival of summer in my customary manner: By getting hissed at by a goose.
Things I need to do: Buy food thermometer and/or stop advertising uncertainty by saying “I hope this is cooked” when setting meat dish prepared by me on table.
I came to a crosswalk that, when I pushed the button to cross, said “weight.” I gave the signal a once-over and hollered “Just tell me what the limit is and I’ll tell you if I’m above or below it.”
I don’t know exactly how popes are decided upon at those closed-door meetings, but I’m unable to imagine a version of the process that doesn’t include someone, at some point, saying “Well, he definitely SEEMS pretty pope-y to me.”
When talking with wearers of sunglasses, direct your gaze toward where their eyes would be if they didn’t think they were better than you.
If a person expresses curiosity about any of my past pets, I immediately stop talking and punch that person in the stomach. For password security reasons.
Did you know there are different kinds of detergent? I thought I was just allergic to clean clothes in general.
Super Bowl Sunday is a big day for sports fans, but it’s also a pretty big day for people who don’t care about sports at all. We get the whole outside world to ourselves while you noisy folks stay home to yell at TVs and eat bean dip.
It’s best to say “no offense” after every utterance, just in case. No offense.
CONVERSATION HACK: Most people’s favorite topic is themselves, so don’t dither about with pleasantries. It’s courteous to begin all conversations with “So what’s wrong with you?”
Relaxing day here at the spray ground polling strangers about their recent diarrhea histories.
It’s a nice thing to keep a couple dozen toasters gift-wrapped in your trunk at all times in case you encounter a newlywed.
More quips are available in “Wasn’t Funny the First Time” and “Won’t Be Funny This Time,” which are now purchasable in MP3 form.