I’m too broke to send gifts, so I wrote everyone a poem instead.
On the night before Christmas, down from the chimney
Came a plump man, ’twas a bearded Wilford Brimley!
Though cookies were laid by our hearth with great care
His diabeetus meant he’d taste of them ne’er;
And we children did crouch behind some old coats
Hissing “Ain’t that the man with the Quaker Oats?”
While mamma slept soundly, wholly unawares
That a star of The Firm traversed our downstairs;
Then just as I wondered if he’d brought us a gift
He unplugged our flatscreen and gave it a lift
Right into a black truck backed up to our door
And that’s why I don’t watch Cocoon anymore.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
* Wilford Brimley is probably actually a delightful person.